by Recovery Coach Lauren

While on this recovery journey I have had many points that were extremely difficult to navigate through. I was never and sometimes am still not prepared for the “what if’s” that come with this journey in most instances.

I know one part that I have continued to hear that needs to change is our relationships. How do I make new friends? I feel like the awkward child in school who constantly worries. “Are they going to like me? I need to make a good first impression. My clothes are so old or don’t fit properly. My sneakers are grubby. Does my hair and make-up look alright?” Wrapped up in the physical appearance. The reality is that I am not alone. These are common thoughts lots of us have when meeting new people. We need to get out of our heads and stop worrying about these things. If people reject us based off of these fears, they just don’t belong in our circle. This is something I constantly have to remind myself of.

Things that have helped me to create new friendships and continue to help is talking with acquaintances that I feel most comfortable with. Either through text, phone calls or making an effort in person to talk with them. Accept invitations I would normally decline, say yes even when I want to say no, within reason. Shared interest have helped build friendships as well.

Once I started making these new relationships specifically with others in recovery, what I was never prepared for, what not many people can prepare you for is if someone relapses. Building these new friendships, confiding and trusting in others. This is the part that was hard for me to learn the “how to”. How to set healthy boundaries, how to not get sucked into the disease with trying to “save them” or understanding what’s going on and not wanting to give up on them. These times are difficult and hard!

I’ll never forget the day I realized that a friend that I had made during my journey had relapsed and the heartbreak that followed. For them, their family, our friendship. Not knowing the best way to navigate this situation due to early recovery and not much experience. I would have driven to the ends of the earth to help them get back what they had. The flooding thoughts of if I had checked in more or wasn’t so busy. Another example even if a relapse with drugs has yet to happen is helping a friend through a codependent relationship and realizing that no matter what I say I will always be the bad guy. Or worst case scenario death.

I can’t control any of these scenarios and it took me a long time to realize I have zero control and I can’t save anyone. I had a tough enough time saving just myself. All I can do to continuously show them recovery works is by continuing on my own journey and putting myself first. When I am answering the phone all hours day and night, or showing up at every call when the need me I am losing a piece of myself and jeopardizing my recovery every time. No one had warned me about how sometimes these relationships can be the hardest. Forget about what people think of me at this point I had just become so afraid to make any more friends that could be gone at a moment’s notice. That can be from a relapse, co-dependent relationships, or death.

Learning that I always need to come first was hard from the beginning. Adding all these extra layers made it even harder. I had to use the same tools I used when breaking off toxic relationships with these relationships also. I have had to remain patient with myself in my process and patient in others process as well. That doesn’t mean I have to like where they are at or need to be at every want or need. For me it means I have to stand by the sidelines and continue to live a life in recovery continuing to improve not only a relationship with myself but the relationships with the people who are still improving their lives too. Keep moving forward, continue being curious of new adventures and always wanting more out of life.

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